Client Quote 300/521:



** while still in high school, i was doing a community profile guide for a local newspaper. 50 pages, about half of it ads, 1/4 text and 1/4 photos. four color cover. the timeline as contracted was four months. i start working on it and about two weeks later my cell rings while watching my cousin play in a #@!$ little league game. dipshit editor, with his colonel sanders with pneuomonia voice, "ugh... we need that guide on friday". it's tuesday. me, "well... that's going to be kinda' hard seeing as it's only been two weeks and the deadline is still three and a half months away" editor, boss hog with emphysema, "i don't care! just get it to me!" that night i let myself into the office that night i let myself into the office, left my keys on his desk with "Fuck off" attached as a note.

then again the editor was 62, living in a camper trailer, and had only managed to become editor of a small town newspaper in the middle of nowhere.

** nonprofit client, done for a bit of portfolio padding with complete creative freedom given to me. contracted that they had to take it or leave it. (if i work for free, i dictate the terms)

m: the templates are ready, i'm just waiting on the content for the site
c: is that text or something?
m: yea, exactly. what you want the type on the site to be. about the *** and what not
c: okay, we'll mail you a *disk* tomorrow.
m: great!

Three days later, a .5" thick envelope shows-up in the maile. within is not a disk but about 250 pages of notebook paper filled doublesided in FUCKING SHORTHAND. WTF? I just wrote some bullshit copy, uploaded the site, and ran.

bastards had a local sign maker recreate my logo, changed the colors to calf-shit brown, and a slightly less calf-shitshit color of brown, blew it up and made 6'x6' vinyl tiles.

Temping for a local printer while doing summer school. Client #1 is a group of Mennonites that manufacture custom modifications for passengar vans. We were just doing a simple, two color brochure for them, a cookie cutter thing that takes less than an hour to whip out.

BUT, written on the job ticket, were the instructions that client does not have a telephone, does not believe in the US post (needless to say FedEX, UPS, etc. were out), but still wanted to see a splash proof before it went to press. SO I drove the four hours to see client. It honestly wasn't that bad because I got like $.40/mile for mileage, was still on the clock at my normal rate, and the Mennonites fed me. And woo-hoo! They loved the design and didn't want to make ANY changes!

Same job, Client #2, some fringe work for one of the company's best clients. He had a family reunion coming up and wanted a design to put on the t-shirts. His father was involved with the local university and, after he'd died, they'd built a dorm with his name on it. Client wanted a drawing of the dorm on the shirt. No problem. I'm not going to piss around illustrating a building for a job that wasn't making the company money, so I just snapped a photo with a digicam and did a rough outline sketch in Illustrator.

Client: "I don't like how that looks AT ALL. Make it look more like, you know, the Student Union!"

WTF? That's the wrong building.

Interview for a designer position at one of's distribution centers. They'd gobbled up a local company yet are still running the local company's catalog business,likely because it's actually PROFITABLE.

m = me. pb= possible boss

m: I can manage 40 hours per week and still fit in enough college classes to be a full time student. I'm going to need a lot of flexibility on your part though.

fb: No problem! is a ... **sound of bullshit** ... and is dedicated to **more bullshit** employee's lives!

Week later, they call me back in to pitch their offer. VERY good salary for the area, but they'd completely forgotten about the "40 hours / week" thing---they wanted me to commit for 60, and had cut what they were going to offer me in benefits and stock options. (Yes, vest as soon as possible...)

Special case. Job interview in southern california, what would be a half-continent move for me. The firm in question was where a VERY famous web designer cut his teeth. he'd moved on to start his own firm and the original company ran through a series of designers over a span of about 2-years. i was the next to be thrown to the lion's, apparently.

they pitched me an offer, attractive enough where i'm seriously considering it. on my last day there, i needed to meet up with a friend at uc irvine (and then off to the wonder which is lou's records in encinitas) so i asked for a ride instead of taking a cab. the head of the firm obliges, we're chit-chatting along the way and then, literally as i'm getting out of his car, he hits me with this:

"No pressure, but really need you to be exactly like *name of fucking hugely famous designer*"

Okay... and shall we invent a time machine and travel back 20 years and create a hyrbid me/famous-designer instead? just as feasible. did not take the job.